Breaking the Balance

The balance of all the variables that make this process work is so fragile. Just one of them can bring the whole thing crashing down around me. My son had surgery yesterday. I had a good breakfast. I brought a protein bar with me. But then the surgeon was running behind and my son's surgergy was pushed back. When he was finally taken back, I was really hungry. I wanted to be distracted from what was going on with my son and I wanted to feel better. Food. They had a small Starbucks/Cafe kind of place with prepackaged items. I didn't pick up the salad with wilted lettuce or the fruit cup with mostly melon that I think I'm allergic to. I picked up the turkey and swiss sandwich. I opted for Miracle Whip over mayonnaise, and I could control the amount, but I didn't need the pretzels too. Washed it down with a Diet Coke because that makes everything else diet, right?!

I talked to my mother on the phone and confessed my lunch choices. She scolded me and told me to lose one slice of bread. Too late. Then in a moment of frustration said, "I have a kid in surgery. Give me my carbs." She replied by reminding me that when she was eating in hospitals while my younger brother was fighting for his life as an infant, that was when her struggle with her weight really started. Sitting there with my bag of pretzels it made perfect sense.

I came home to dinner provided by a wonderful and dear friend. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and some raw veggies. All comfort foods after an uncomfortable day. I had every intention of warming up a Lean Cuisine, but the chicken was hot and the mashed potatoes were creamy and I was hungry. Then I couldn't sleep and my son was having pain, not sleeping well either. I finally gave in to the cherry pie about 1:00 am. The icing on the day was that because I was in the hospital all day, I didn't get to workout.

So it's the next morning. I didn't get much sleep and am waiting on my son who's not very mobile and still pretty uncomfortable. No gym today either. Too tired to think about a good breakfast choice, I ate some more cherry pie (more filling than crust) and picked at some cold chicken (more chicken than skin.) One step forward, eight steps back. *sigh* I'm still journaling even though it would be easier not to. Not to look at it. Another friend is bringing dinner tonight so I don't have to worry about it. It's wonderful for the sake of my family, but not worrying about it is what usually gets me into trouble. Frankly, I hate worrying about it. I like to enjoy food, not worrying about food. When did food become something to worry about like the ozone layer and my kids' good grades?