Patience

I've been right on track this week, but it's looking like I'll only have a one pound loss to show for it.  That's a totally acceptable, healthy number, it's just lower than the last five weeks and I'm anxious to get out of the 200's.  It's a weird thing to think about that you can do everything right, everything the same, and still get a different result.  Once again, it's "not simple math."  Learning the different facets of patience seems to be a life journey for me.  I've had blessings and answers to prayers that have said as much, I don't know why I'm surprised every time it comes up as a challenge.  Assuming I have the ability to keep doing what I'm doing, losing the weight then becomes a waiting game.  If I lose an average of a pound a week (some weeks more, some less) then I have to wait for a year to go by to lose 52 pounds.  While that knowledge lives somewhere in the back of my mind, I can't wrap my head around a year.  I have to figure out what's for dinner.

Small Triumphs

Yesterday I turned 53 and my mother was moved into a skilled nursing facility.  Turns out she broke her knee when she fell. Movement is unbearable.  She needs to eat to regain her strength, but she doesn't want to because that means she'll have to go to the bathroom and that means movement--movement accompanied by a dozen teenage helpers to accommodate her size. She feels embarrassed and fatigued.  Right now she's working with physical therapy to be able to move back to her retirement village when the break heals. I've never seen this terminally optimistic woman so disheartened.

In the past, holidays and tradition were my favorite excuses to indulge.  Certainly a birthday combined with stress over my mother's condition were good excuses, if ever there were any, to eat with abandon. A different outcome, however, requires a different choice.

I started the morning making my own on-program breakfast of eggs and fruit. I needed the shot of protein, but to keep the calories down since I expected to eat out.  After breakfast I talked my husband into going for a long walk with me.  That was good for both of us and made the time go by faster. After a shower, my daughter took me to lunch at a pub.  I picked it because I knew they had good salads, but I underestimated how difficult it would be to see and smell my daughter eat handmade stone baked pizzas and chicken wings.  I ate one chicken wing and it was SO good.  It was hard not to put my face in the plate and eat the rest.  Thankfully, my salmon and mango salad came quickly.  It was beautiful and delicious. After I got some protein in, I was less hungry and better able to ignore the pizza and wings.

Dinner was more of the same.  I splurged on a small steak, roasted asparagus, and a salad. We didn't order dessert.  Instead my husband had picked up chocolate cupcakes from a favorite bakery down the street.  I looked forward to that indulgence all day.  The icing was as good as remembered, but the cake was dry.  That was disappointing for something so anticipated.  Looking back, I enjoyed the chicken wing more than the cupcake.  (I will deny that if you bring it up in public.) I went to bed proud that I had made good choices.

I expected my weight to be up this morning. It was down.  Color me shocked.  I re-weighed myself three times to make sure the scale really meant it.  I hope it's still down tomorrow when I have to record it. It meant I could squeeze (it was snug but at least it zipped!) into a skirt for church that I couldn't wear a month ago, ten pounds ago.

Today as I watch television commercials for fast food, I'm amazed at how unappealing they are.  None of them had the appeal of the food at lunch with my daughter when it was placed in front of me. I believe there has been a small shift in my thinking which makes the television commercials less tempting. I hope it's a shift that sticks around.

 

Because She Can't and I Still Can

One of the complications that goes with lympadema is cellulitis.  Lack of movement, poor circulation--all ideal conditions for infection.  Last night my mother was admitted to the hospital for sepsis.  She's on IV antibiotics and they are doing cultures in search of the cause.  Because of her size, they have to get a special bed brought in, and everything takes on a life and death component. When you don't have good circulation, you don't have healing. Her size becomes its own symptom.  This is a family legacy I'm trying to avoid so this morning I walked and walked.

We have a hill at the front of our neighborhood and I was determined to climb it and reach the end of that street before turning around to come home.  It was blissfully cool when I stepped outside, it even began to drizzle about forty minutes into my walk.  It felt good.  I just stopped and put my face up to the sky and prayed for my mother.  Then because she can't, I kept walking.  I smelled freshly cut grass, pine trees which reminded me of California, wet pavement, and flowers hanging on to the end of summer.  I walked a full hour before I got home. It felt good.

One Month Down

My goal was 1-2 pounds a week.  As I hit the one month mark today, I'm down eight pounds.  That's right on track.  (Only a half pound over last week.) I might have been more, but I allowed myself some sweets while I was out of town last weekend.  I'm proud of myself for taking accountability for those calories and logging them, not letting them be some dirty little secret that sabotaged my progress.  I'm hoping my weight will hold steady this week since my birthday is on Saturday and there will be chocolate cake. I'm in this for the long haul; I have to remember that from meal to meal.  I can't think about the next eight pounds or next month, just what's for dinner. Tonight that is pork chops.

Spandex Isn't the Same as Actual Weight-loss

I hit my second intermediate goal today! (My first was to record my food for 21 days straight to realign in my brain portion control and what foods are healthy.) In the last eighteen months, I lost my father, my husband's job was eliminated in an overseas corporate buy-out, my son got married, we moved four states away for a new job, I had to close down and restart my home business, we renovated the entire first floor of our new home while living in it, and through it all, I binged on all my favorite comfort foods.  Thanks to climbing ladders to paint, packing and unpacking boxes, I "only" gained eight pounds, but it took me to a high I swore I'd never see--a high that actually surprised me. I was so deeply in denial.  Spandex helped, but it couldn't hide the weight that I was so obviously carrying in the wedding photos.

Today the scale said I've lost the weight that accompanied all that stress, both good and bad. My reward will be to drive seven hours and visit my son and his wife tomorrow whom I haven't seen since Christmas.

My next weight goal will be to reach the weight I was when I lost my workout partner a couple years ago.  I'm going to need some good intermediate goals along the way. *puts on thinking cap*

Visors and Collagen

The humidity smacked me in the face as I walked out the door this morning, but I was determined, especially since the end of my week will be largely out of my control.  First let me say, visor for the win!  I was much cooler than with the hat even with the raised humidity. Music was good and I managed the hills.

Note to self:  Use inhaler at least 30 min before walking outside, just like the sunscreen, for maximum benefits.

I've also started using collagen powder as a supplement. I'm not big on supplements besides a few extra vitamins women are typically deficient of even with a good diet.  I did a lot of research and haven't found any downside for someone my age at a conservative dose of 11g a day.  The only thing I can say I don't like about it is if you don't get it completely dissolved, it has an aftertaste like my blow dryer smells.  Otherwise it's tasteless and odorless.  Even with a healthy dose of skepticism, the potential for positive effects seems pretty good.  Not willing to live my life completely without chocolate, sugar, or pasta, I wanted to see if there was anything to help boost my body's anti-inflammatory abilities. Plus, I have arthritis in my knee and in my thumb. I have wide hips and am slightly bow-legged so my gait isn't very straight to begin with.  Add 70 extra pounds to that, a herniated disk, and some years, and I'm an aging cartilage disaster waiting to happen.  This journey is not about returning to some place in the past, some previous version of me, it's preparing for a future I can see coming faster than I'd like.

It's supposed to take about two weeks to start seeing benefits, but I gotta say, three days in that my walk was less achy this morning and I personally think my skin is looking better.

Prepped for Success

I went to Costco last week and loaded up on proteins, wild salmon, chicken, and frozen shrimp.  Yesterday I went to the store and bought perishables that I use in smaller quantities.  It took me a couple of hours, but it's all prepped now and I love opening my fridge to all the possibilities.  There are smoothie packs, salads, breakfasts, marinated proteins, browned butter, all ready to go in minutes.  I feel so much less deprived of all the things I shouldn't have when I see the rainbow of foods that are waiting to be consumed.

The other thing that is really helping me, is with the time I'm saving on prep, I have the energy to make meals pretty.  When I feel like I'm at a fancy restaurant, I think the food even tastes better. Breakfast this morning was a salmon and asparagus frittata (because I suck at making omelettes) with watermelon and pineapple.