Forward, but Backward

I hit a mini goal today. It's a strange thing to be so focused on moving forward and experiencing shadows of life in reverse. I know exactly where my weight was each time a major life event pushed me to gain, "I weighed X when I lost my father," "I weighed X when my son received his diagnosis." As I stress ate, my weight climbed to a new plateau. When the next event hit, I went up again. I always say I have not struggled with weight my whole life, because I haven't. I was a two-sport athlete in college. I coached gymnastics for >15 years and have been an experience, certified fitness instructor for 25. I actually had to learn how to gain weight when I was pregnant with my first child. My body fat% was low enough to never have regular cycles so even getting pregnant was difficult. When I was in peak condition, the trainers measured me at 12% body fat, too low for even elite female athletes. Now at 53 years old, I've spent the last 20 struggling with my weight. That's almost half. It’s true I haven’t struggled with my weight my whole life, but I have struggled nearly my entire adult life.

I made a conscious mental shift when I started "this time" to lose, that I wasn't trying to recapture something I used to have or be someone I used to be. I wanted to be the best me for right now, at this age. I wanted to keep potential medical issues from becoming real ones and minimize the symptoms that accompany the damage so many years of competitive sports did to my body. As I'm walking back down the scale, I am remembering my life the last time I was at that weight. Today's weight accompanies leaving a home we custom built in a place we loved because the company we worked for laid off about twelve thousand employees over about three years. Thankfully we were able to take a package, get a new job, and start over. But it also meant changing schools after our youngest son started high school.  It meant taking a huge loss on our home since the housing market was flooded while twelve thousand other people tried to do the same thing we were.   I can still feel the emotions of it now. As I try to let the feelings pass through me, rather than control me, hubby and I have decided to go for a bike ride. I don’t think we’ve done this in thirty-two years of marriage. This, this feels like moving forward in a way stuffing my face with cookie dough never did.