Because She Can't and I Still Can

One of the complications that goes with lympadema is cellulitis.  Lack of movement, poor circulation--all ideal conditions for infection.  Last night my mother was admitted to the hospital for sepsis.  She's on IV antibiotics and they are doing cultures in search of the cause.  Because of her size, they have to get a special bed brought in, and everything takes on a life and death component. When you don't have good circulation, you don't have healing. Her size becomes its own symptom.  This is a family legacy I'm trying to avoid so this morning I walked and walked.

We have a hill at the front of our neighborhood and I was determined to climb it and reach the end of that street before turning around to come home.  It was blissfully cool when I stepped outside, it even began to drizzle about forty minutes into my walk.  It felt good.  I just stopped and put my face up to the sky and prayed for my mother.  Then because she can't, I kept walking.  I smelled freshly cut grass, pine trees which reminded me of California, wet pavement, and flowers hanging on to the end of summer.  I walked a full hour before I got home. It felt good.

One Month Down

My goal was 1-2 pounds a week.  As I hit the one month mark today, I'm down eight pounds.  That's right on track.  (Only a half pound over last week.) I might have been more, but I allowed myself some sweets while I was out of town last weekend.  I'm proud of myself for taking accountability for those calories and logging them, not letting them be some dirty little secret that sabotaged my progress.  I'm hoping my weight will hold steady this week since my birthday is on Saturday and there will be chocolate cake. I'm in this for the long haul; I have to remember that from meal to meal.  I can't think about the next eight pounds or next month, just what's for dinner. Tonight that is pork chops.

Spandex Isn't the Same as Actual Weight-loss

I hit my second intermediate goal today! (My first was to record my food for 21 days straight to realign in my brain portion control and what foods are healthy.) In the last eighteen months, I lost my father, my husband's job was eliminated in an overseas corporate buy-out, my son got married, we moved four states away for a new job, I had to close down and restart my home business, we renovated the entire first floor of our new home while living in it, and through it all, I binged on all my favorite comfort foods.  Thanks to climbing ladders to paint, packing and unpacking boxes, I "only" gained eight pounds, but it took me to a high I swore I'd never see--a high that actually surprised me. I was so deeply in denial.  Spandex helped, but it couldn't hide the weight that I was so obviously carrying in the wedding photos.

Today the scale said I've lost the weight that accompanied all that stress, both good and bad. My reward will be to drive seven hours and visit my son and his wife tomorrow whom I haven't seen since Christmas.

My next weight goal will be to reach the weight I was when I lost my workout partner a couple years ago.  I'm going to need some good intermediate goals along the way. *puts on thinking cap*

Visors and Collagen

The humidity smacked me in the face as I walked out the door this morning, but I was determined, especially since the end of my week will be largely out of my control.  First let me say, visor for the win!  I was much cooler than with the hat even with the raised humidity. Music was good and I managed the hills.

Note to self:  Use inhaler at least 30 min before walking outside, just like the sunscreen, for maximum benefits.

I've also started using collagen powder as a supplement. I'm not big on supplements besides a few extra vitamins women are typically deficient of even with a good diet.  I did a lot of research and haven't found any downside for someone my age at a conservative dose of 11g a day.  The only thing I can say I don't like about it is if you don't get it completely dissolved, it has an aftertaste like my blow dryer smells.  Otherwise it's tasteless and odorless.  Even with a healthy dose of skepticism, the potential for positive effects seems pretty good.  Not willing to live my life completely without chocolate, sugar, or pasta, I wanted to see if there was anything to help boost my body's anti-inflammatory abilities. Plus, I have arthritis in my knee and in my thumb. I have wide hips and am slightly bow-legged so my gait isn't very straight to begin with.  Add 70 extra pounds to that, a herniated disk, and some years, and I'm an aging cartilage disaster waiting to happen.  This journey is not about returning to some place in the past, some previous version of me, it's preparing for a future I can see coming faster than I'd like.

It's supposed to take about two weeks to start seeing benefits, but I gotta say, three days in that my walk was less achy this morning and I personally think my skin is looking better.

Prepped for Success

I went to Costco last week and loaded up on proteins, wild salmon, chicken, and frozen shrimp.  Yesterday I went to the store and bought perishables that I use in smaller quantities.  It took me a couple of hours, but it's all prepped now and I love opening my fridge to all the possibilities.  There are smoothie packs, salads, breakfasts, marinated proteins, browned butter, all ready to go in minutes.  I feel so much less deprived of all the things I shouldn't have when I see the rainbow of foods that are waiting to be consumed.

The other thing that is really helping me, is with the time I'm saving on prep, I have the energy to make meals pretty.  When I feel like I'm at a fancy restaurant, I think the food even tastes better. Breakfast this morning was a salmon and asparagus frittata (because I suck at making omelettes) with watermelon and pineapple.  

To Hat or Not to Hat

I exercised in the pool yesterday and wanted to try walking a little farther on land today, seeing how my joints and muscles continued to hold up.  Plus, the pool doesn't open until 11:00 and I needed to be done and back before my delivery window on a piece of furniture.  Didn't count on the humidity...

Pretty sure I was on the border of heat exhaustion and my 30 minutes stretched out to 45 because I had to slow down.  I've never been so grateful for patches of shade.  I remembered my hat this time, but I'm not sure the heat it contained was worth the tiny bit of shade it provided.  You wear a hat to stay warm, right? Maybe I need a visor?  With the sun coming in sideways at 9:30 am, it didn't even shade my whole face.  Suddenly going to the gym is sounding better and better.  That, and a nice cool shower.  Definitely pool tomorrow.

Gravity for the Win

For the last two weeks (twelve workout sessions) I have been doing what I call "remedial exercise."  At my current weight, gravity and I do not get along well, especially my knees.  The pool has been great.  I grew up in California and being in or around water is a happy place for me.  I even worked as a lifeguard a few summers.  With the buoyancy of the water, I could do full range of motion and full body exercises.  Added bonus, the water pressure helps to stimulate the lymph system and squeeze excess water out of your tissues.  Last night, unfortunately, someone's baby pooped in the pool, automatically shutting it down.  Now it has to filter for 24 hours before being open again.  I took this as an opportunity to transition to land for a day.  Maybe I'll start alternating water and land. I have to step into the gym eventually, right?  (I'm not embarrassed to go, just not looking forward to that type of workout.)

Anyway, I laced up my shoes, grabbed my headphones for some music, a water bottle, and just walked out my door.  I even set a timer for 30 minutes so I'd be out at least that long before heading home.  The pool doesn't usually open until 11:00 so it was nice to be out before the sun was hot.  The humidity was also low.  A good beginning.  I had tremendous optimism as I went up and down very gentle slopes of neighborhood streets, patting myself on the back for my remedial pool exercise that prepared me to handle this first jaunt so well.  Ten minutes in I thought, I might just walk for forty-five minutes instead.  Fifteen minutes in I realized a had a blister between my toes. Twenty minutes in the humidity was starting to pick up and I realized I forgot my inhaler.  Twenty-five minutes in the sun had come out from behind the clouds and I realized I had forgotten a hat, sunglasses, and sunscreen.  I started heading for home and was so grateful when my alarm went off just before I got to the driveway. Might as well have been thirty miles.  But, it's done and off my list for the day.  Next up, meal prepping for the week.

Looking for the Divine

According to the website Quote Investigator, an essay published in 1858 in “The Methodist Quarterly Review” discussed poetry, and the author compared the methods of adroit sculptors and poets. This may be where the quote about chipping away the extra attributed to Michelangelo originated.

"It is the sculptor’s power, so often alluded to, of finding the perfect form and features of a goddess, in the shapeless block of marble; and his ability to chip off all extraneous matter, and let the divine excellence stand forth for itself. Thus, in every incident of business, in every accident of life, the poet sees something divine, and carefully scales off all that encumbers that divinity, and permits it to be revealed in all its transcendent loveliness."

I actually like this thought much better than the watered down version I was pondering before posting this morning.  I think one of the reasons experts tell you not to weigh yourself daily is that you begin to obsess over the number.  It has the potential to knock you off track as easily as it keeps you honest and on track.  I'm an every day weigher.  For me, it keeps me honest in my choices.  However...I do feel like I'm doing battle with it.  I'm trying to "push" (shove, manhandle, stomp, labor) the number down like an industrial coil under tension to spring back up rather than, as the sculptor, chipping away and letting the excess fall away.

The author above has taken it one step further though, and this is something I acknowledge because I tried to teach my kids, the women at church, anyone who will listen, that you are divine.  I am divine.  I don't have to be a poet to see that in myself or in others.  I'm not talking about metaphorical rose colored glasses and trying to overlay a cheery perspective on something that needs to change.  I'm talking about actual change which brings the individual closer to what the Maker designed.  Not what media designed or my husband designed or even I did with poor food choices and activity levels on par with a sloth. She's in there somewhere I need to feed the inside and the outside with the good stuff so the extraneous falls away to reveal the divine.

It's Not Simple Math

I like electronic food diaries. Don't get me wrong, I HATE keeping it, having to be conscious about every bite that goes in my mouth, but it makes tracking macros, calories, nutrition, food variety, and weight progress infinitely easier than the old paper journals.  We no longer have to tediously look up approximate calorie counts or grams of fiber.  Perhaps even better than the running calculations is the ability to identify trends.  What isn't so useful is the the predictions they make, based on past numbers, supposedly to keep you motivated.  "Hey! Keep it up! You're going to reach your goal by June 1 next year!"

First of all, I can't think about next year.  I have to think about dinner.  I have to think about the next five pounds.  Even though I haven't changed dress sizes, and won't for weeks and weeks, I have to believe what I'm doing makes a difference right now.  If I do, next June will take care of itself.

The other thing that bugs me about that predictive banner is that it's simple math.  It assumes that if you do what you've done for the last week, this is where the math comes out.  But that math doesn't take into account bad days, holidays, my birthday that will not be without chocolate cake, water retention, travel, or times when I failed to plan. It's a simple equation that doesn't include all the variables I'm expending great effort to control. That June date means nothing.  I wish I could hide it. I have no illusions about just how long this is going to take.  In fact, I can't even think about what maintenance is going to take since gaining is so easy. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, one healthy meal on top of one healthy day.

I'm the Boss of Me

I'm a list maker.  I love crossing things off and having that sense of accomplishment that goes with effort productively applied. Yes, I've been known to add things to the list which weren't originally on the list just so that I could cross them off.  So it eludes me why I so totally loathe menu planning.  Isn't it just another list?  No, it's emotional food prison.  It says you can eat this and only this no matter what your mood is.  Then I give the menu the evil eye, stomp my foot, and say "You're not the boss of me!"  ...and order a pizza.  Clearly I have food issues. 

I'm trying to see it as a tool, to recognize that when I make the menu, shop it, and prep it, I am the boss.  I am in control. This will help me stay in control rather than let emotion, stress, or low blood sugar make the choices for me.  I choose.

This last week I've actually surprised myself with tasty and appealing meals.  I decided to start taking pictures and make myself a card file so in the future I can literally lay-out the week.  I've been watching a lot of meal prep videos.  I cannot eat the same thing everyday for a week.  That's effectively a week of leftovers to me. I don't know how people do it.  Understand why, but how do they choke it down. I've found a few vlogs though, who prep ingredients so when it's time to cook, the prep work is already done and they still have fresh "new" food.  It also means they can change their mind and still work within a healthy framework.

Downshiftology  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYidQwKhM3WTDKpT8pwfJzw
Mind Over Munch (She has a whole program she sells, but I find her videos really helpful)  https://www.youtube.com/user/MindOverMunch

My 600 pound Possible Life

I've been watching episodes of TLC's My 600 Pound Life.  My family doesn't understand my fascination with this show.  In some ways, it feels like "going to a meeting." It's a reality check for me because in my family, this is not just extreme television, it's actually possible.  I look to see how their bodies store fat differently when it has no where else to go.  I observe the pain they feel with ordinary movement--how they swing their body around because they can't actually lift their leg or brush the back of their hair.  They stop doing self-care like trimming their toe nails or buying new shoes as they shuffle from point A to point B.  Many have given up on shoes and just wear non-skid socks that don't protect them from dirt or water, but then they never go outside or venture far from their comfort zone.  I listen to their excuses and hear myself in them.  Then I remind myself that if I continue to make those excuses, this is the inevitable end to the road I'm on.

I stayed in my calorie budget today, but my food choices weren't excellent.  My version of a cheat day, I guess.  I felt triumphant about getting Brian and Jacob to go to the pool with me.  I got my 40 minutes of exercise in.  That felt good.  It wasn't hard to get out of the pool today. That felt even better.

Something Different

Day three in the pool.  I added some treading water.  My legs only felt like they weighed 2500 pounds instead of 5000 upon exiting the pool.  I know you're supposed to celebrate little victories, and I suppose that is one, but when you think of yourself in former athlete terms, getting out of the pool doesn't even hit the radar.  I'm coming to grips with the fact that I am not, at present, the athlete I was even a year ago. I'm something different and I have remember that so I continue to make good food choices.