Slow and Not So Steady

I might be able to handle painfully slow weightloss if it was in anyway consistant. If the rules were hard and fast. There are just too many variables to track and it's exhuasting just to try. I sometimes think competative bodybuilders are the only ones insane enough and stubborn enough to so tightly control their diet. They watch proteins, carbs, fats, kinds of fats, kinds of proteins, good carbs, bad carbs...calories burned, calories consumed, time of day, in combinations...it makes my head spin.

I SO don't want losing weight to be a full or even part-time job.

So here I am one month out on this blog, down a pitiful two pounds and 1% of bodyfat. It's not even enough to change my waist measurements. I suppose that's the appeal of programs like Jenny Craig and Nutrisystems which control the food and all it's variables. People pay for someone else's grief on their behalf. I want to eat real food.

Apparently I'm still not one of those people who instinctively eats what they should and stops eating when they should. I don't suppse wanting to be will change my body chemistry or engrained thought paths.

It's Sunday Again...

Yes, it's Sunday again and I even have to get up infront of people today. The Sunday School class I teach is doing a presentation to the other children today. Everyone will be looking at me. I'll do my make-up, fix my hair, wear jewelery in a desperate hope to attract attention away from my body with sparkly things, but I will still be me in this body.

We went out to dinner with friends last night. I didn't need the fried wontons. The pad thai wasn't a bad choice, but the Grater's Ice Cream afterward was. I didn't really even want it. I just didn't want to see any of the movies my husand and friends were considering more. I really wanted to curl up in bed and go to sleep, but we weren't driving. So dessert won.

This morning, I'm bloated and feeling icky and have no new camoflauge to wear to church.

Hormones are Evil

Hormones are the exception to every diet math rule. They are the exception to every rule, to everything predictable! The scale had a happy number this morning and that should have made me happy. But how can I be since the only thing I can attribute it to is hormones, the one thing I have absolutely no control over. Hormones are evil.

Still Chewing

I'm still chewing on that idea of whether or not anything in my life would be different if I were different. More engery? To do what? More than I'm already doing? I don't know that I want to. Would I enjoy my life any more than I do now? Finances wouldn't change. My kids would still be the same and relate to me the same. My extended family would still live too far away. Maybe that is the trouble, if nothing else changes, why should I bother?

Living in a Fat Suit

A picture says a thousand words, doesn't it? That was me, well my butt anyway, last summer during the family reunion at the beach. Some days I look at my body in the mirror and it's not mine. It's a fat suit that I keep expecting to just unzip and pull off. So I fell off the wagon without really ever gaining any ground.

I remember looking at my brothers on that trip and thinking how much I loved them and wanted them to lose weight. They have fulltime jobs and heavy responsibilities at home and church. They don't have time to exercise. They don't often control their own diet. I don't have those same excuses yet here I sit the same weight I was in that picture all those months ago. That "knowing better" thing is pinging around in my head again. Apparently it's never loud enough or long enough to get the fat suit off.

When I feel defeated like this, it's hard to want to make good choices - to believe that anything will be different if I do. Hmmm...I think that last thought was signficant.

Diet Math

Is there anything that makes less sense than diet math?? I've been housebound all week. No gym, no exercise. With my fragile balance thrown off, I haven't been journaling or eating well. I got on the scale this morning and had lost half a pound. Go figure.

Maybe it's more like a train. Once you get it going, it has to be slowed before it can turn around and go back the other direction. Nah, I'm not buying that argument either. I simply have no explanation for it, but I will be back in the gym next week if I have to carry my son around on my back.

Breaking the Balance

The balance of all the variables that make this process work is so fragile. Just one of them can bring the whole thing crashing down around me. My son had surgery yesterday. I had a good breakfast. I brought a protein bar with me. But then the surgeon was running behind and my son's surgergy was pushed back. When he was finally taken back, I was really hungry. I wanted to be distracted from what was going on with my son and I wanted to feel better. Food. They had a small Starbucks/Cafe kind of place with prepackaged items. I didn't pick up the salad with wilted lettuce or the fruit cup with mostly melon that I think I'm allergic to. I picked up the turkey and swiss sandwich. I opted for Miracle Whip over mayonnaise, and I could control the amount, but I didn't need the pretzels too. Washed it down with a Diet Coke because that makes everything else diet, right?!

I talked to my mother on the phone and confessed my lunch choices. She scolded me and told me to lose one slice of bread. Too late. Then in a moment of frustration said, "I have a kid in surgery. Give me my carbs." She replied by reminding me that when she was eating in hospitals while my younger brother was fighting for his life as an infant, that was when her struggle with her weight really started. Sitting there with my bag of pretzels it made perfect sense.

I came home to dinner provided by a wonderful and dear friend. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and some raw veggies. All comfort foods after an uncomfortable day. I had every intention of warming up a Lean Cuisine, but the chicken was hot and the mashed potatoes were creamy and I was hungry. Then I couldn't sleep and my son was having pain, not sleeping well either. I finally gave in to the cherry pie about 1:00 am. The icing on the day was that because I was in the hospital all day, I didn't get to workout.

So it's the next morning. I didn't get much sleep and am waiting on my son who's not very mobile and still pretty uncomfortable. No gym today either. Too tired to think about a good breakfast choice, I ate some more cherry pie (more filling than crust) and picked at some cold chicken (more chicken than skin.) One step forward, eight steps back. *sigh* I'm still journaling even though it would be easier not to. Not to look at it. Another friend is bringing dinner tonight so I don't have to worry about it. It's wonderful for the sake of my family, but not worrying about it is what usually gets me into trouble. Frankly, I hate worrying about it. I like to enjoy food, not worrying about food. When did food become something to worry about like the ozone layer and my kids' good grades?

It's Sunday Again...

It's been a week. Yes, I've lost a pound and a half. I still say, one pound is nothing.

How come when other people make changes in their diet and exercise, they lose three pounds the first week? The Special K Challenge and every magazine on the stands this week promises up to six pounds in two weeks! Yeah, not here. I'm one of those that falls into the "less than" group. I'm guessing a majority, but the rest of the majority doesn't have to find me something to wear to church today. In this sense, I'm a majority of one.

Call Me Grumpy

I'm several days, but not even a full week in to the changes in activity and diet. This is the point at which my body says, "That was an interesting little jaunt, but the joke's over. I'm hungry." Nothing seems to make that hungry feeling go away no matter how well planned and positioned the protiens are. I know it's in my head. It doesn't make it any less loud to the rest of my body. Distraction helps, but the growling voice is still there.

50 Books, 50 Pounds, and 50 Weeks

Last year I took on the challenge to read 50 books before 2008 was over. That's roughly a book a week. I tracked the challenge on a fun website called Shelfari. I completed that challenge and surpassed it with great satisfaction. I also kept track of the number of pages, but stopped tracking as I crossed over 20,000. This year I'm going to repeat that challenge. My twist on it this year will be to track not only the titles, but how much they weigh. I want my body to go down by 50 pounds in the next 50 weeks at I want my books to add up 50 pounds. Hmmm....more hardbacks I think.