Forward, but Backward

I hit a mini goal today. It's a strange thing to be so focused on moving forward and experiencing shadows of life in reverse. I know exactly where my weight was each time a major life event pushed me to gain, "I weighed X when I lost my father," "I weighed X when my son received his diagnosis." As I stress ate, my weight climbed to a new plateau. When the next event hit, I went up again. I always say I have not struggled with weight my whole life, because I haven't. I was a two-sport athlete in college. I coached gymnastics for >15 years and have been an experience, certified fitness instructor for 25. I actually had to learn how to gain weight when I was pregnant with my first child. My body fat% was low enough to never have regular cycles so even getting pregnant was difficult. When I was in peak condition, the trainers measured me at 12% body fat, too low for even elite female athletes. Now at 53 years old, I've spent the last 20 struggling with my weight. That's almost half. It’s true I haven’t struggled with my weight my whole life, but I have struggled nearly my entire adult life.

I made a conscious mental shift when I started "this time" to lose, that I wasn't trying to recapture something I used to have or be someone I used to be. I wanted to be the best me for right now, at this age. I wanted to keep potential medical issues from becoming real ones and minimize the symptoms that accompany the damage so many years of competitive sports did to my body. As I'm walking back down the scale, I am remembering my life the last time I was at that weight. Today's weight accompanies leaving a home we custom built in a place we loved because the company we worked for laid off about twelve thousand employees over about three years. Thankfully we were able to take a package, get a new job, and start over. But it also meant changing schools after our youngest son started high school.  It meant taking a huge loss on our home since the housing market was flooded while twelve thousand other people tried to do the same thing we were.   I can still feel the emotions of it now. As I try to let the feelings pass through me, rather than control me, hubby and I have decided to go for a bike ride. I don’t think we’ve done this in thirty-two years of marriage. This, this feels like moving forward in a way stuffing my face with cookie dough never did.

What is Health?

Health is more than what we eat. Today I saw my gyn for my annual exam, scheduled my mammogram, and got my flu shot. 😷 My blood pressure which was high-normal at my highest weight was back to just normal. Treated myself to sushi on the way home. Heading to the gym now. Oh! And this is a kind of scale victory...when I weighed in at the doctor's, I was still under 200 AFTER having eaten breakfast AND while wearing clothes. Yea! (I totally made a big deal out of pointing it out to the nurse.)

Anatomy of a Walk

This morning my workout slot was taken up by helping my son get his passport.  Instead of driving all the way to the gym, I decided to just walk the neighborhood. I grossly underestimated my route.  What was supposed to be around two miles of sidewalk nods to neighbors and small hills turned into nearly four miles of, "What were you thinking?!"  Oh, and the outside temp that was overcast in the low 70's when I left, was 84 and full sun before I got home.  My internal dialog went something like this:

“I’m so smart, walking outside, saving gas.”

“Walking outside is good for me. I get lazy on the treadmill. Out here I have to do the hills.”
“My legs feel kind of fatigued.  I’m surprised they’re still recovering from Monday’s strength training.”

“Look at that yard.  I wish I could grow anything.”

“Maybe I won’t do a long walk today, I’ll turn around soon and go back.”

“That house needs shutters. Naked windows look smaller.”

“I could can turn around here. No, I’m better than this, I’ll keep going.”

“I’m going to stop at the end of this street. Oh look, that house is for sale again.”

“I think this street connects to the one at the back of the neighborhood.  If I turn here, I’ll just make a loop.  I can do that.”

“Oh. The sun came out.”

“I didn’t wear sunscreen.”

“Huh, this isn’t where I thought this road went.” (Pulls up GPS app.)

“Ok, I could just go back now, or I could still make the loop, it will just be a little longer loop. I am awesome and I’m going to do the longer loop. In for an ounce, in for a pound…”

“It’s really hot out here.  Does no one plant trees anymore?  Where’s the shade?!”

“I’m pretty sure I’m going to die out here.  I wonder if I could flag down a FedEx driver to take me home.”

“I wonder if I could dive into the back of that pick-up while it’s moving? What’s the speed limit on this road?”

“Where is my turn?” (Pulls up GPS again) “My hips and back are starting to complain.”

“OK, I can do this. It’s time to break out the ‘Annoyingly Chipper’ playlist or become statuary on this guy’s lawn.  He can mow around me.”

“Oh! I just remembered I have a chicken rice bowl already prepped for the moment when I walk in the door. And cold Pellegrino! I even have a fresh lime!  I would amputate a finger for carbonation right now.”

“Is that a hill?  I don’t remember a hill there. What fresh hell is this?!”

“This is a great playlist.  Maybe if I dance while I walk I can pretend I’m not dying.”

“Do I care if the neighbors see me dancing?  No, I don’t think I do.”

“Aw, I made that old guy smile.  People should dance more.”

“I could just sit down on this curb and take a nap.”

“There’s that stupid FedEx driver again.  Why didn’t he see my distress and offer me a ride?  Didn’t he see me dancing?  Public dancing is a sure sign of distress.  Jerk.”

“There!  Home!  That’s my house!  I live there!”

“I am amazing.”

The Big Picture

According to The American Council on Exercise, a safe rate of fat loss is 1% per month.  Anytime you lose weight on the scale, it's a combination of fat, muscle, and water.  Over the last four weeks I've lost .8% which puts me right on track. I've lost 1.3% in the last eight weeks. I think now that I've added weight training, the percentage will step up a little bit over the coming month. 

Recommended weightloss is 1-2 pounds a week for sustainability and to avoid the yo-yo bounce-back effect.  My average has been 1.8 pounds per week. Both of these statistics are reassurance that what I'm doing is healthy, and more importantly, it's working.  With the daily ups and downs, it's good to step back and look at the big picture.  I'm doing okay and need to keep doing what I've been doing.

Pools and Mermaids

When you get old enough, you become removed from many childhood memories that you were sure could never be forgotten.  I exercised in the pool today as it's my day off from the weights.  I love being weightless.  I like the that water pressure pushes water out of the tissues if you're retaining fluid. I like that movement in the water provides a mild massage to the lymph system just under the skin. When I finished my fifty minutes of walking, jumping, and swimming, I stretched in the steam room, I let the jets beat on me in the spa tub, and then I went in the dry sauna hoping to dry off a bit before getting back in the car. As I laid down on the bench, for an instant, I was whisked back in time. I was eight, it was high summer and the goal was to spend the entire day in the pool.   When forced to get out we'd lay down on the hot pavement around the pool.  The heat would immediately seep all the way through muscles we didn't know were tired.  When we pushed up, the water from our wet bodies would leave prints that looked like a mermaid.  Sometimes we would get wet again to see what other shapes we could make with our bodies on the hot concrete.  When I got up to leave, I looked back at the bench to see if a mermaid had been there.

FINALLY!

199.8

I realize it's going to fluctuate.  I realize that it's a moment in time.  I realize I'm going to go eat breakfast and it's going to be above 200 again, but it's also a trend.  It's a result of hard work.  It's an indication of what's possible. It's a reason to go to the gym again today when I'm sore and don't want to. I can do this.

Up or Down

*heavy sigh* Scale was up this morning after being down all week. I was this close to being under 200.  I thought today was the day.  I've been giving myself all the mental pep talks I give to other people about weight fluctuations after starting strength training--especially when you know you haven't gone over your calorie budget, let alone consumed an extra 3500 calories. Those become mental exercises when the emotion of change creeps up.  As I look at my "official" weight from last week, I am actually down a tiny bit.  That does alleviate some of disappointment. 199 is just so close I can taste it.  Furthermore, I need to know this is working and will keep working. It's too much effort for it to not mean anything.

I have a lot on my plate today.  Lots of legitimate reasons to not get to the gym, but I have to make it happen.  I'm going to get dressed in my gym clothes and run around town that way until I make it to the gym. Promise.

UPDATE:  I did make it to the gym, but not until after 3:30.  Never again.  I was competing with fifteen year old posers for the free weights.  I can already tell I'm going to be sore.  I finally showered for the day at 5:30 pm.  Chicken taco for dinner.