Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Are Ya Done Yet?


So here it is May and I'm up over 180 pounds. I went clothes shopping this past week to find something I would feel good wearing to church. I have to speak to the whole congreation for Mother's Day. I've had an emotionally deck-clearing week and I needed the retail therapy. Of course there's nothing quite so vivid to shake your view of reality as spring clothes shopping and florescent lighting. The good news is that I found a dress. My first size 16. I guess it's also good news that it also gave me that reality check. I look at myself and the scale and think, "Well, are ya done yet? Do you want to wallow some more in whatever is making you stuff your mouth and ignore all the "to do's" in your life or do you want to do something to reverse it? You know better."

I think the harshest reality check came while bra shopping. Despite the fact that I've gained 50 pounds, I was still wearing the same bras that I was before I gained the weight. That's where my greatest denial still lingered. I had no problem buying bigger jeans so I could sit and oh, breathe, but I was spilling out of my bra the way some people spill out of their hip huggers. It just wasn't right and I could finally see that. The new bra in the new size is SO much more comfortable...and oddly strange to look at. I went from those little frilly things in catalogs to something that looks industrial. Not sure how I feel about that. It brings me a little too close to my mother's weight issues. I remember her bras in the wash. I know I want to do something. I'm not sure what that is yet. I know it needs involve real food and accountability. But it needs to happen soon.
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2 comments:

  1. BrookeMay 5, 2009 at 2:00 PM

    I have wondered that. Please no one take offense, but my sister and I used to say to each other, "shoot me if I ever get that big". At what point am I "that big"? I have been wondering lately. Am I done yet with the eating and not exercising? At what point am I going to say, I refuse to get any bigger than I am right now? I keep saying, I have to do something, but I haven't done it. I haven't changed.
    I feel what you are saying Jules. I'm still in denial though.
    Brooke

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  2. Jenni ElyseMay 5, 2009 at 2:28 PM

    I've been on a lifestyle change (I refuse to use the word diet because that's only temporary) for over 90 days now. And, you know what? It's hard! I got to the point where I felt like I was "that big." I wasn't comfortable sitting on the couch and seeing a blob in the mirror. Or, I hated comparing me to all the people I was in a picture with. I love what I'm doing, but I still just want to binge and binge and binge. I used to tease myself that I'm half bulimic; I binge, but I don't purge. I know what you're going through. Hang in there! One of these days, you'll just say, "Today's the day I'm going to do it." Until then, don't be too hard on yourself. It doesn't help!

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