No longer am I the two sport collegic athlete I was at 19. I'm not the young mother who's tired, but still has a young body. I'm not even the person I was four years ago when I lost weight and got fit prior to my 20th high school reunion. The me I am now likes to read. Likes to stay at home. I no longer feel compelled to even run an efficient household. My blood work is good and except for a nagging back injury, I don't feel unhealthy. I'm not unhealthy. But by past standards I'm just unfit. When I look in the mirror, I still see all my muscle, but it's hiding under this layer of fat that I can't explain and is completely foreign to me.
I did see my doctor about hormone levels. At 42 years old, it's time. She confirmed I'm low on testosterone. I'm told this hormone in women has everything to do with sleep, muscle tone retention and metabolism by extention, even energy and feelings of vulnerability. She's asked me to look into some replacement therapy. I'm seriously considering it as I continue to feel like I'm fighting myself. I just wish I could figure out who I'm fighting to be. I've never been forty-something before. I don't know my body, I don't know my rolls and my relationships are changing. I don't like not knowing. It makes goal setting feel impossible. I'm floundering rather than latching on to some kind of motivation. It continues to be elusive to me.
Apparently, I am still not one of those grown-ups who does better because she knows better.
Good question. I think it is one that we all struggle with at different times as we go through different phases of our lives. The one thing I keep coming back to (and have to remind myself over and over and over again) is that I am a child of God and that I am important.
ReplyDeleteYou are in a transitional time. Change is always difficult but you will come out of it. Remember, you are strengthened by God and you can do all things through him. In this struggle as you get healthy in body, don't forget to keep nourishing your spirit.
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