Every journey has a beginning, but I don't think today is it. I've been starting and stopping often enough over the last few years that it feels like one long bumpy road, not like today is a launching place. Today isn't "the start" of a new diet. Today is some mental attempt at getting back to doing what I know to be right. I know better. I have an extensive history in athletics, teaching exercise, and nutrition basics. There's a disconnect, however, between what I know and what I do. Maybe writing about it will help me reconnect my brain and my body.
The last time they were connected was before my 20th high school reunion about four and a half years ago. I got down to about 24% bodyfat and weighed roughly 135 pounds on my nearly 5'6" frame. Back then I paid $200/month to be part of "Major Moms," a bootcamp type program through Lifetime Fitness. I had Monday thru Friday workouts with a trainer and other mommies. They worked us hard enough that eating well became a necessity to keep up with the damands of the workouts. As a two-sport college athlete, I've always had access to coaches and trainers. I have taught gymnastics or aerobics for more than 16 years. There's always been someone around to keep me accountable whether it was a coach or students with expectations of me.
Now it's just me and a closet full of clothes I can't wear. The big question in my mind is why, with all my experience and knowledge, do I need someone to keep me accountable? Why at 42 years old am I not grown up enough to just do what I know I need to do to be healthy? To be physically comfortable in my own skin?
Hey Jules,
ReplyDeleteI feel your struggle...you know mine as well! I'll share with you some of my own understanding and issues...for some of us, eating isn't about food. It's about feelings and self-medicating problems. As LDS, we don't drink or do drugs...we eat. And make no mistake...food is a drug - it alters brain chemistry and hormones and all sorts of other bodily functions. The single most important thing that helped transform me from 238 pounds to 180 currently is being brutally honest with myself about my emotional well-being and how that manifested itself in food. I began an earnest study of the AA program (Lisa is working it diligently and has been sober for quite some time) and then branched into the Overeaters Anonymous as well. The program is sound and powerful...I would be happy to walk the journey with you and be a listening ear. There are things I thought I knew...but didn't really understand what they meant. Now, I realize that I need far less food than I thought to simply NOT be hungry, and I don't need to be full every time I eat...big surprise. I also give myself permission to exercise MODERATELY more frequently rather than killing myself and giving up. Mostly, I tell myself each day, "I have permission to do less than is humanly possible today."