Knowing Better

There is a supposition that if you know better, you do better. Apparently not. This week my life and the people in it have conspired against me where food was concerned. I did, in fact do my workouts this week and did them vigorously. But that couldn't off-set the eating. Even knowing better while did it, I ate Chinese buffet with a friend who needed the company and wanted the Chinese food. I ate at Outback Steakhouse (did not order the salmon, but didn't eat the potatoes either) because we had gift certificates and my husband wanted to take me out. My daughter had a choir concert and we didn't have time to eat well before leaving the house. A whole week of similar situations and excuses.

But this is the nature of my life. Friends, family, calendars, etc. No amount of planning seems to do me any good. My weight will be up again when I weigh in tomorrow. I want to say "so what" and have a chicken tamale loaded with cheese. I don't like feeling like I'm battling with myself all the time.

The Planets Aligned

Sometimes this whole process feels so random with so many variables outside my control that when something goes right it's as if the planets had to align for something so rare to occur in the cosmos. I lost two pounds this week. Frankly, I'm stunned. I did the journaling. I did the exercise. I added back the weight training. I spent the time and tried to cope with emotions rather than eat them. I give no credit to me and what I've worked at this week. Still, two pounds has made me happy enough to go to the gym today when I don't want to. When my back is hurting. Knowing I'm going to dinner with friends tonight at a restaurant that isn't diet friendly. Knowing I will have the cheese fondue and the chocolate fondue. Some might call it a reward, but rewarding with food is largely what got me into this. I DESERVE it! Yeah, deserving it has nothing to do with what my body will do with it.

So where is optimism born? Is it in the doing? Is it in the hormones? Is it in the results? Two pounds isn't going to even make my jeans looser and my chances of this working aren't any better today than on any other day. This attitude seems as equally random. It must be the evil hormones.

Obligations

At what point are you obligated to keep trying to lose weight again when you fail, just because you "know better?" When you have no more clothes at that fit? When you can't look at yourself in the mirror? When people you haven't seen in a long time do a double-take...and not in a good way? I bore myself with my own whining. I just wish that on some days I didn't have be thinking about what I'm eating or if I've made it to the gym. I'm a mother every day, but my kids don't need me to the same degree everyday. They needed me more when they were infants than they do now, at least physically. Is losing weight like raising a child where I'm obligated to be there and involved everyday despite colds and hormones and moods and obligations from others in my life? The reason I don't have four kids is because three was my limit. Am I trying to give birth to a fourth and calling it losing weight? That's a sobering thought.